To Die Without My Children's Forgiveness
- I have 5 children -- 2 that treat me like their mother the other 3 do not speak to me. All I want before I die is their love and forgiveness for whatever I did. I want them to know that I love them and I am proud of them I also have 10 grandchildren and have 1 great grand daughter that I am not allowed to see, and five grandchildren that I can not see. I have forgiven them and I know God loves them I pray and cry because I know I do not have much time left. I am in the 4th stage of COPD and I am not afraid to die. I know God is preparing a home for me in heaven and it is going to be awesome.
- —Guest old66
That End Stage Feels Like Death Sentence
- I flew to Granada from UK in October then flew to Spain and back on Saturday. I now find it too hard to breath with lots of sputum -- on every pill. It seems I just lie in bed as anything else too much. I cry and cry just reading about "the end stage." Didn't know it was a death sentence.
- —Guest Livvy
Getting Middle of the Night Phone Calls
- Worse of this hell is getting middle of the night phone call from my 73 yr old mother, partially crying, gasping, being scared to death she'll die. She's going to, when I'm not sure. She's in hospital now, lost ability to walk, and can barely eat, or drink fluids, due to food and fluid pushing up on her diaphragm causing more difficulty breathing. I guess the very worse part of this, for me, is the horrid guilt that comes with wishing she would just go, and not have to endure the constant fear, pain, and knowledge of her future. Worse thing I've ever seen, leaves me numb... but not numb enough. Have taken her to so many doctors, tried everything, but end result still looming over her.
- —Guest Donna
- Accidentally looked up COPD tonight. Had been ignoring it and using my CPAP and inhalers and thinking all was more or less OK. At 53 with 25 yrs of smoking and too much weight, I am glad I found this board as a wake up call to take care of myself; thanks. I have always feared drowning as my way to die. Have lived with depression and PTSD from repeatedly being suffocated for crying as toddler. Now asthma, COPD and sleep apnea on top of the breast cancer. I had better accomplish something soon.
- —Guest Susan
Wheezing and Deep Down Rattle
- Diagnosed with COPD 2011. In ER same date I celebrated my 10th year smoke-free! The worst thing for me is that wheezing noise & rattle of mucous so deep down that no matter what I do or don't do, I can't get rid of it. Once I start coughing, I can't stop and can feel my airway closing -- can't sleep, can't breath. On Symbicort 2 puffs, twice a day, but got laryngitis so bad the doc put me on Spiriva - didn't work. Back to Symbicort taking 1 puff a day and that worked until the weather changed. Rescue inhalers all have Albuterol which worsens my existing panic attacks along with my vertigo and sleep apnea I've had for years. So, as you see, I was a mess before I got COPD, but have to say, nothing compares to not being able to clear your lungs and breathing! I too am alone and that really scares me. God is the only one listening at 3:30 in the morning. Determined to cope with this though somehow, some way. Lose weight, exercise, etc. Will pray for us all. God Bless You. Never give up!!!
- —Guest Rennie
Fear of Progression
- Though I quit smoking about 8 years ago, I was diagnosed with COPD May of 2010. It bothers me that there is really nothing to stop the progression. Presently, I have a rescue inhaler and use Spiriva. I see people in grocery stores and on public transportation, trailing oxygen tanks behind themselves. I am absolutely horrified that some day I will end up that way too, fighting for every breath.
- —Guest lillymarlene
- Has anyone had TTO? Are you still able to speak normally? I am 02 dep/ 24/7. 47 yrs old. My pulmonologist wants me to explore transtracheal 02. Little scared
- —Guest darlene dadley
- I am 75, quit smoking 51 years ago, was diagnosed with early stage COPD 3 years ago. It's getting worse every year. Using Advair, Combivent and a Philips Inhaler more and more. My wife is a heart patient and I always worry when she grabs her nitro inhaler, my first reaction please don't die on me. Now I am getting kind of jealous; dying of a heart attack is preferable over suffocating. But reading all the reactions, one is not alone. I had a good life, but feel bad for all the young people on this board. God speed to all.
- —Guest Hendrik
Feeling Like I'm Drowning
- I was just told I have Stage 1 COPD. I wasn't really scared until I started reading about my future. Now I'm terrified. How long do I have before I progress to stage 2 or 3? Exercise will strengthen my heart, but do I want to do that? Is dying from a heart attack better than drowning? I'm really scared. I am 61years old and smoked for 42 years. I can't believe I did this to myself.
- —Guest Carol
Knowing Changes Everything
- Getting tested for COPD. [I am a male,] 20 year smoker, ex Army and refinery worker. What's most bothersome is knowing how this will kill me. Drowning/suffocating. No children, no wife, just a job and a truck. It's time to PT. Endlessly.
- —Guest sumguy
- My fear is the panic attacks I get when I can't breathe. I know this makes it worse but I cannot help it, sometimes I wish I could just die in my sleep.
- —Guest msw
Having My Children Watch Me Waste Away
- I'm 46 and was diagnosed with stage 2 COPD today. I have four children ages 22, 16, 10, 8. I don't want them to miss out on their lives because they are trying to take care of me. I hate the fact that they will have to watch me waste away. I wanted to be there for them and to help them. It is so much for them to bear. It's not fair for them. I hate this.
- —Guest Jennifer Bakken
My Heart Stopping
- Went into hospital last week for operation on sinus., polyps. But then, my heart stopped as they were operating on me; scary!!! Now the doctor thinks Ii might have COPD because I have asthma and I smoked for 30 yrs on and off. I'm 56 yrs now, don't smoke anymore. Please pray for me that I haven't got this disease. They are going to do some tests in a couple of weeks time. I feel great at the moment and hope to stay positive. I will pray for each and every one of you and thank you all for sharing. God bless.
- —Guest gail davies
Constant Coughing; Can't Catch My Breath
- I was taking care of my dad who had ALS when I found out I had COPD. I was, and still am, sick a lot. He had to go to a nursing home. He was there a month and passed away. Stress triggers my attacks. They are scary and no one understands what you go through. The fluid build up, constant coughing, can't catch your breath, can't sleep, no energy to walk anywhere. I go at least once a month to the doctor, get a handful of prescriptions I can't afford. I am in the hospital right now after waiting and suffering for four days because I knew my husband would be mad about the bill. No matter how hard it was I have to drag myself to work and still do what needs to be done at home. Maybe when I'm gone and so is my insurance policy, someone might realize how much I did do even sick and miss me. I know if daddy were still here, he would be there for me. Hate to say I'm wishing my hospital stay goes by slow, and hope these strangers taking care of me know how much I appreciate them.
- —Guest Diana
The Struggle to Breathe
- I am 52 years old, a non-smoker, recently diagnosed with COPD. The most frightening aspect of COPD to me is the fight to breathe. How can you stop an invisible murderer, while it is smothering you to death?
- —Guest Ann